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Jun. 17th, 2015

garnette

Harassment and abuse in the spiritual place.

I have been needing to post about this for sometime, as it is an important subject. This is a common occurance in spiritual communities, yet it is often over looked or even dimissed. Sometimes, even the Victim is blamed more than the perpetrator. I'm talking about Spiritual Harassment and Abuse. No, I'm not talking about being raped by ghosts, or fondled by spiritual entities. I'm talking about corporeal human beings using  spirutality to abuse others.

This was something I have experienced, and sometimes still on occasion run into. A person who thinks they have the right to use, abuse, and harass me because of my spiritual beleifs. Most who know me know what God I worship, and this particular deity is already controversial without the abuse. But there are some people who think that because I worship this deity, that somehow they have to right to do things to me that make me uncomfortable. This is not right, no matter who a person worships. My God is not consent. Period. End of story. Which brings me to the list of things people will use to justify what they are doing to you, and how they are wrong.

First of all, I want to reiterate that [ insert name of deity or spiritual entity] is NOT consent.

Never is any spiritual entity a justifiable reason to touch, harass, abuse,  or assault a person.

" But the nature of your deity means you have to let me do this, because your deity would accept it himself. It's what he'd want you to do, right?"

You forget that I'm not the deity in question. Does my god sleep around with people? Yes. Does it mean that I have to? No. And no amount of telling me that he wants me to do it is going to get me to do it. My deity would not make me do anything that was harmful to myself, and if my deity did, then I will just have to find a new deity because I respect myself too much for that bullshit. Deity is obviously not a true friend, nor does he have my best interest at heart if he wants me to disrespect or hurt myself in his name. And if my deity wants me to hurt other people when he knows it will cause me problems, then he is wrong, too. However, I know that unless my deity tells me this himself, you are wrong and cannot tell me what my deity wants, period, end of story.

"You have to have me as a mentor. Your deity said this to me that if you do not take me as your mentor, friend, confidante...that he will leave you and your path will end."

Woah, Woah, woah! Hold the phone? Wait, my relationship with my God depends on my relationship with you? Are you freaking kidding me? That doesn't even make any sense. When was He going to tell me this? If it was so important for me to meet you and speak to you, I think he would have told me this himself in some way shape or form. And it wouldn't be your saying it either. And what makes you so important anyway? You must be a conceited bitch who thinks she's the end all and be all, the center of the universe. You must think you are entitled to sitting at his right hand side like a lot of those whack jobs on the internet boast about. Nope, i think I'll take my chances with losing my diety because I am not comfortable with people who think they have divine right over me. That's the sore red flag of a manipulator. I mean, what you if you told me I had to kill children because my deity would leave me if I didn't? Or you told me I had to have sex with you because my deity would leave if I didn't? Nope. Goodbye!

" But you let your Deity touch you innappropriately, and I worship that deity too, therefore you gave consent for me to touch you."

Excuse me? Might I reiterate that my spiritual practices are not consent. That's cool, we worship the same deity. And How do you know how I interact with my deity? That is none of your damn business, and therefore what you said is completely irrelevant. Besides, even if I told you about it, it means that I found the will to trust you with some sacred and personal information....and now you just broke my trust. Good bye.

" I am now posessed by your deity, and you need to do this for me because your deity is speaking through me, and if you don't, your deity will not be happy."

Ok.....That seems awefully convenient. Ok, Deity....who happens to be posessing my mentor, you really want me to carry all this " horses" luggage so she can have fun at said event? And you mean I have to clean her entire house or our relationship will end? Why is how I interact with this person so important to you? What about me? I thought my relationship was with you, not the person you are posessing. This seems awfully convenient for the person you are possessing. If you wanted to bother to posess a person to give me a message, wouldn't the message been more relevant to me than the person you are posessing. Oh, you say you will leave me? You say you will be unhappy. Let me take my chances with that one. Oh, look nothing happened. Hey, yoohoo...mentor, you can stop pretending, now. You have been caught. Goodbye

" I am the human incarnation of your God, you shall listen to me."

And I am the Queen of England disguised a 20-something girl. Seriously, if I found out I was a deity, I would not tell anybody, because I read all about what happened to Jesus and the crap he went through dealing with taht shit. I'm not about to bring that on myself. If I found out I was a deity, i would share my wisdom,but I would not go telling people that I am a God. Why? Because the only reason you would have to throw around calling yourself a god is if you want....CONTROL over others...which is apparently what you want. You just claimed you were my god, therefore you want to scare me into seeing things your way.  I'm just going to walk away...walk away swiftly.

" I am your gods favourite, you shall respect me. I am higher on the pecking order."

Ok, Mr. PoPo, just let me find the dragon balls so I can do away with your ass so there are no more favourites and no more pecking orders. Eff that...what makes you so special? I never heard of you before I met you at thus and such place. Your name is not even in the paper, or on the internet...you must not be that important. Sounds like you are just stuck on yourself.



" But I gave you all this cool stuff. I bought you that video game you've been wanting, and I helped you through that horrible time you had. I stood up for you and protected you. I helped you communicate with your deity.  And you won't let me get away with doing these things to you?"

No, because clearly, your intention was to get away with these things all along. I am grateful for you help, but it should not have been because you wanted to manipulate me. You were supposed to help me as a friend and teacher, because you cared about me and had my interests at heart...and I would have gladly done the same for you as your friend and student. But no, there had to be this ulterior motive. It had to be about getting away with control. You know, this is fairly common in Domestic violence cases. The Abuser goes out and buys her flowers...for what? To apologize and be forgiven...so he can continue to abuse her and get away with it. To rope her in...to appear like he's good for her when he's really not. You can keep the cool video game, I will just go earn the money to buy it myself. Thank you for the good things you ahve done, but as far I'm concerned, I think being put through all that crap is payment enough. I don't owe you shit.

" you are a horrible, ungrateful person for this. I am going to make your life hell now.I'm going to post about this all over social media and talk about what a worthless liar you are. I'm going to say you did all these things to me. Then I am going to tell everyone how I want to commit suicide because of what you said to me."

Let's see how many people actually beleive you. And those that matter will not. I may struggle fora  time, but nothing lasts forever. You want to commit suicide...hate to sound heartless, but that's your problem now. I didn't make the decision for you.

" If you hadn't done this action, I would not have been driven to act this way. If you had not been so anxious and confused about your god, I would not have to resorted to these actions."

It could have been handled better. Lying and hurting me was never giong to help. I was going to figure it out eventually. I may have been lost, but I'm not stupid.

So what you have just seen is the usual  Manipulation and Victim Blaming that comes with spiritual abuse. And yes, if they fit with anything that fits with Domestic Violence, that fits as well. I'm sure there are plenty more.

Now the biggest question is once you find out you are in this situation, how do you get out? How do you deal with it? What are steps you can take to heal?

Consult trusted friends and family members.

This is important. This is not a struggle that can be fought alone. These manipulators may have  a lot of power, whether it's back up from community or physical strength. It is also important to note that since they manipulated you, they probably have a lot of information that they can easily use against you, which is what makes these people terrifying. When I experienced abuse spiritually, I was the one blamed and the entire community hated me for a long time because they beleived that my Abuser was an esteemed Elder.On top of this, she had a lot of sensitive information that she was able to spread around, and I shudder to think what rumors are out there running about .  It has since gotten better, and I had a lot of support from my Kindred who stuck by me through the whole thing, but there are still a lot of events within the community that I have to avoid because there are still people who have this person's back, and the minute I show up at these events, they will have my head. However, if it weren't for those I call Family and Close friends, I would not have gotten through it. Or at least, it would have taken me a lot longer. They helped me work through my issues that I had, and figure out what was real and what was not. This is why this is critical.

Find any support you can from the community, if there is anything offered that can protect you.

This of course is for anything that is big enough that needs it. Like if they took action against you that could place harm, find resources that can protect you. I was lucky, I didn't have to go that far. My abuser fled when she was called out, that was because I had several powerful people backing me up, though.


Remember that it was not your fault.

My abuser swore up and down that it was my fault. I have an anxiety disorder, a really bad one, and she used it to make excuses for why. She said I drove her to make her choices. It took me a long time to realize it wasn't my fault, and I kept blaming myself. I felt terrible, and felt my deity hated me for my anxiety disorder. The reality was, however, that she made the choice to act the way she did. That was not my choice, it was hers. The important thing to remember is that people make their own decisions, and no one else makes them.The Abuser, like all abusers, will blame the victim so that they can justify why they are doing what they are doing. They never admit to being wrong, and the only time that they do is so that they can beg for forgiveness so they can get away with continuing. It's never the vicitms fault. They only their own interests at heart, and therefore  it had nothing to do with you.

Since this was spiritual abuse, make sure you can patch things up with your spiritual guide, Deity, etc.

Chances are that damage has been done in your relationship with your deity. In some form or other, whether it's the fear that they left, the fear that they hate or blame you for what happened, or that you blame them for what happened. The important thing to remember is that the only part your deity played in this was that their name was used. Nothing more. Chances are, your deity wishes to make things better, no matter their nature. If they are in your life, and you love them and they love you, they weren't trying to make this happen. They do have your well being at heart. Sure, maybe they want you to learn from this situation so you never get into it again, but they did not make that person do anything. That person chose it themselves. That person chose to hurt you. Not your deity or your guide. They do not blame you or hate you for what happened. They did not favour that person over you. Gods don't pick favourites.. If anything your diety may not be very happy with that person. I know my Deity is particularly protective of those that are His. I have seen some nasty stuff happen to those who chose to abuse me, and it's not pretty. I've seen some nasty stuff happen to those who abused others that are his. I have seen evidence of this protectiveness. Chances are, your deity or guide feels the same...that they want to protect you and help you through it. And most of all...they don't want to lose you. So take some time with your deity; meditate, pray, or make art....anything that could heal any damage between you and them. No one, not a single person on this planet has the right to fuck up what you have with your deity. Your relationship with your deity was never in the hands of your abuser, and it never will be.

If you need to, get rid of anything they gave you.

This may be a tough one, as this may not be necessary for everyone. But honestly, I found this one rather liberating. I told myself that I didn't want to keep anything this person gave me because it made me feel like I owed them. By parting with it, I freed myself from owing them anything. I freed myself from feeling bad about having something they gave me. Not only that, but it got rid of any negative energy that came with the object. Remember you are not obligated to keep anything they gave you. And you can dispose of it by any means that seems appropriate, whether it's burning it  or throwing it away, or finding a a middle man to hand it back to them. Remember that this object they gave you was to butter you up for abuse, and that maybe it's not worth keeping. For some, this might be taking things to far, but for others...it might feel as good as taking a good shit. Did they give you something of your deity? It might be hard, but parting with it, and opting for something more personal would help, too. It would even patch things up with the entity in question and help you understand what it is they really wanted, versus what your abuser wanted.

Counseling  and other forms of therapy might be needed.

This one is a tough one for me because I can't afford professional therapy, however, I am able to seek counsel within my Kindred, and I have a lot of therapies available to me, even without the professionals. Anything that is healthy and helps you feel better, do it. Colouring, playing with toys, art, meditation...these are all helpful. If you have someone who serves as clergy, and you know that are not abusive, by all means seek advice from them . Not all clergy are like your abuser. This ties in with support from family and friends. Journaling helps as well. And if you can, a professional is a good idea too. I don't push this one so much, because again, I cannot afford it myself, so I had to find other means. But damn, if you can, do it, and make sure they are openminded, as well.

I understand that some might be uncomfortable with turning to others after an event like this, but once you know what to  look for , you can get away a lot quicker.

No matter how much they try to apologize and beg for forgiveness, don't go back. Don't ever go back.

This is critical. You can forgive them, yes. You can accept their apology. You can learn to let go of the ugliness that is inside you, however, you never EVER have to have anything to do with them again. You don't have to accept their friend request on facebook. In fact, it's best you block them. You never have to talk to them at events. You don't ever have to be their friend. No matter how sparkly they may make it sound, it's not worth it.


I was mentally abused by my mother's boyfriend for years, and when I finally left my mothers, I wanted nothing to do with this man. I never wanted him as my friend on social media. I never wanted to speak to him over the phone. I even had to go as far as burning the bridge with my mother because he started to abuse me through her. This hurt a lot, but I had to do it for my own mental health. I found out that my mom was going around telling my friends that I should just forgive this man, and that I was heartless and selfish for not diong so. But in her eyes, she felt that forgiveness meant talking to him again. Dear Mother, I can forgive this man, but I will never put myself in a situation to which he can hurt me. Sincerely,  me.

this person also used spirituality to manipulate me into " forgiving him" and " accepting him. " I used to be Catholic, and he very often used the line " Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" to get at me. He would call me a hypocrite for going to church when I wouldn't let him get away with his abuse. This was wrong. Catholic, Pagan, any religion or faith is no excuse for me to let someone abuse me. Which brings me to the next thing.

Always remember that your religion, Faith...whatever it may be....is never a reason to go back to someone who hurt you.

If your deity truly loved you, they would not make you go back. This is controversial in a lot of ways, because this is seen in Chrisitanity a lot. That people are forced to stay with someone who mistreats them because Deity would punish them. In my experience with God and Jesus, they aren't like that. they don't promote violence against women and children, or people in general.  Remember it is mankind that made those rules, not God. The same goes for any deity. People will use your religon to tell you to go back, but remember...they are human, not a God. They do not truly know what a God wants, and have no right to tell you what a God wants. And if they claim a God is speaking to them about you....just walk away, because unless you asked them, they would not recieve those messages. If your God truly wanted you to know something...they would find a way to tell you, bottom line. It would already be true in your life, it would already have shown up before they came along and said something. And chances are, what the message is has nothing to do with letting people harm you. Even my Deity, who is said to be controversial...doesn't tolerate abuse. As I said...he is freaking protective.

Most importantly, don't give up on yourself.

A lot of people do sometimes. I know fora  while, I let myself gain weight, and my skin got ugly, and I ate junk food. When i saw pictures of myself, I realized I had destroyed myself and let myself go. I felt horrible about it, so I took steps to take care of myself. Remember that what they did to you is not a reflection of who you are. You do not need to destroy yourself because they hurt you. The only thing you should take from it is the lesson of who to avoid. Remember you are still worth something, and even your spiritual guide or God agrees. They are still there, right? They did not leave when abuser said they would. I can guarantee that nothing is lost. You are still a beautiful human being, remember that. You are still worth taking care of, and that the friends and family that helped you get this far see that too.

I still struggle with this one myself, and I often have to remind myself of this, and it's hard, because I spent so long calling myself ugly. And I still do. and what's funny, is I know my deity is still there because he will actually get angry when I put myself down. And if you know what Deity he was, you would be really shocked to know this, because to a lot of others, he is not kind.( I have even had spiritual abusers tell me that my god can't care about me because of who he is.and that makes this more difficult.)  But he has been kind to me and those he loves. And I still have people telling me that he is not, and that I am worthless to my deity...but then I get reminded that that person is wrong, and probably no different than the one who abused me during all the times he stops me from hurting myself.

So don't give up on yourself. Those that matter love you, and your deity, spiritual guides, and ancestors love you.


I was hesitant at first to put this up, because I know the person that spiritually abused me is still out there. I was even told that I shouldn't because this person is scary and watches everything,. However, I felt that it was time for me to have courage and stand up and say something. I will never call this persons name out, as this is not meant to condemn anyone. This is simply meant to educate so others can either pull themselves out of a situation or avoid the situations like this.And so that anyone going through this, or who has gone through this is not alone. And perhaps they have more imput. I also want to add the disclaimer that my dealing with the situation may not work for everyone. I may get hate because my advice may not work for everyone...but it's at least something to consider, because it did help me. And it's still helping me.


Jan. 8th, 2015

Aki, feathers

My response to reading " 8 things women don't do anymore ( and should)"

I read this article , and as a woman, I at first wanted to punch the person that wrote it , but I kept reading.


http://www.examiner.com/list/8-things-women-just-don-t-do-anymore

Now, Aside from the sexist undertones, I found that that article made sense in a lot of ways, however, I wanted to remake it ever so slightly to take out the sexist undertones, as I do not feel that it is a woman's soul purpose to please a man. However, this list had things in it that can be applied to anyone in or out of a relationship. And considering that Homosexuality is becoming more and more socially acceptable and normal, it is unfair to say that this applies to All women and ONLY women.

I am going to go down the list and say what I think about each one. I wanted to make something similar to this list that had less sexist undertones, as I do not beleive in roles assigned to Gender. However, there may be me taking note that modern feminism has also caused problems in this day an age, mostly because a lot of people seem to have the wrong idea.

This is what I wish to start with.

I do not think that Feminism is about anti-marriage. This idea that woman should never get married and have a man in her life is absurd. That pleasing and loving her man makes her weak-willed and demur. I, as a woman, and as someone in a really healthy relationship to a man I hope to marry soon, do not feel that my loving and taking care of my man is a burden and an infringement on my rights.

I do not think Feminism is about anti-men. Men are people, too, and can be quite wonderful. Woman can be just as nasty is their chauvenistic counterparts, and I have seen it myself.

So, onto the article.

Now, what is it that people need to do more of.

Cooking

This I think is an important life skill. Do you have to cook five star quality meals? No. You have to go to Culinary school for that. But being able to cook a basic meal to feed yourself or your family is an important skill to learn. It's about survival. And yes, if you do get married and have a family, this is crucial. Being able to cook means that you can provide yourself and your family with homecooked, nutritious meals versus going to fast food.

Eating out can be fun once in a while, but when you do it all the time, you deal with the extra calories that come with larger portions and extra added crap.That's something that needs to be enjoyed in moderation. Not to mention eating out all the time does get expensive.

So learning how to cook is adamn good idea when you consider the benefits. It's not about just being a good wife or mother, but reaping the benifits of this important skill. I mean, if you live alone, for one, no one's going to be cooking for you. Even My Father and several of my male friends told me how important it was to learn how to cook for the simple sake that it was necessary to survive. And it's a shame that not very many know how to cook anything beyond Ramen AND Mac n Cheese.

Cleaning

This is not just a woman's responsibility, and this is speaking from personal experience. Now, I am the one that cleans, as I do not have a job. So I take care of the dishes, laundry, bathroom, etc. However,  having a roommate who has his own room, I can only do so much cleaning before it becomes and infringement on someone elss privacy. My fiance and I live in a two bedroom apartment with this guy, and living in an apartment means eviction if the place isn't tended to. This roommate...doesn't clean his room. I shudder to think what his bathroom looks like, but from what I can tell, he's got trash all over the floor. He could get us in trouble, but if I touch it, he will get on my case about it. He is still waiting for his Mama to do it for him, at least, taht's what it appears to me, and honestly, it angers me to no end. And because he is NOT MY MAN, I can't do shit about it.

With this in mind, cleaning is an important skill to know, whether one is a housewife, househusband, or a person living on one's own. Both my Mother and Father taught me how important it was to know how to clean, not because I'm a woman, but because it would be beneficial when I had my own place, whether it was by myself or with others. Not to mention keeping things clean is better for your health because you don't have to worry about all the creepies that live in that gunk that's been sitting in a corner for a month.

Sadly, I know too many people, roommate included, who will not clean. And a sad number of people who don't clean, and don't have a job either.

Fix his plate

This is a common courtesy that just comes with being the first person to get up and go get food, and yes, this includes the woman. I will admit, there are times where I forget to do this in public places and need to be better about. But when I am at home, and my man has had a tiring day at work, it is courteous of me to get his plate for him so he can just rest. To scoff at him and tell him to get it himself is just plain mean and shows ingratitude for how hard he works. The same goes for the other way around. If I had a tiring day and I'm in a pain and feeling yucky, I would love for the same courtesy to be played for me.

Scoffing at your man about getting his plate is not feminism, it's being mean. What it really comes down to is respect on both genders. Being a woman doesn't entitle one to be rude, nor does being a man entitle him to be cruel either. What it really comes down to is treating someone with the same respect you wish to receive.

To treat my man like someone who is precious and important after he's spent the entire day working to provide for me and ( when we finally have children.) our family is a great feeling. I feel good when I do something nice for someone I love. This would still apply if he woke up one day as a woman and became my lesbian partner...I am going to treat him with love and respect and even do the little things that make him smile and make his life a little easier. . Just as I know he does it for me when I need it. It's all about give and take and treating people the way you want to be treated. It's not that I'm submissive, it's I'm being grateful and respectful to him, just as he does for me.

Watch your mouth.

This one I had a little bit of trouble with, considering I swear a lot. I swear too much in fact.

I do not think minimizing foul language is about being lady like, as it's just having the decency to watch ones mouth in certain situations.

For example, it's a bad idea to start stringing together every swear word you can think of in a room full of children. To swear in front of someone who doesn't like it is not cool either. To swear in a setting that is formal is disrespectful. If you walk into a household that forbids swearing, and you let one rip right in the middle of the living room, that's disrespectful to someone else.

Despite the fact that I swear a lot and show just how " unlady like" I am, I make the effort to watch my mouth in those situations. In fact I'm working at making sure I keep it to a minimum and be more creative with my colourful metaphors, especially since I plan on having children.

However, swearing is quite liberating in the places where it's allright to hang loose.


Dish out compliments.

This is something I think needs to be done in any relationship. With those that I hold dear, whether it's the men in my life or my best friends, saying something nice to help build them up is always wonderful. One of the things that is very damaging to anyone is when we try to bring each other down.

Why be cruel to your man, or your woman for that matter. I agree that women are always the ones trying to fish for compliments, as I see it a lot in my own personal experience, and men just don't get enough of them. Men are always being told to be stronger, be bigger, be better, be smarter. Women...we are just told to be prettier. So men....they get a lot of crap if they AREN'T those things. To men, the feminist movement is not just about moving women beyond being just pretty, but it's about building up men to be the person they wish to be, not be the person they are taught to be. So when my man is a computer geek and not athletic, it's a wonderful thing to let him know that he is wonderful the way he is. It's encouraging to him to know that he is not a failure when I compliment his intelligence and his sense of humor.

Women spend too much time insulting men and calling them names like " pigs". I don't think that is the best way to go, whether single or in a relationship. Tearing each other down is not the answer to the Feminist problem. What is going to help is we build each other up and celebrate our strengths and weaknesses.

This is also goes for the compliments we give women. To just say she's pretty only goes so far. But when we tell a woman that she is smart, we let her know that she is also worth more than just being pretty. The same goes for men. When we compliment someone for who they are, we build them up. We encourage them to continue to be who they are, and that who they are is wonderful. So yes, compliment the person you are with. Compliment your friends. Say nice things to them. Build them up.

Keep Yourself Up.

I have lost count of the number of times I have seen women ( and men, too.) walking around looking like white trash.( WALMART)  Now it's one thing if you are at home and you just want to relax, but when you are out in public, sweat pants are gross no matter who is wearing them. They are trashy and plain out lazy, and I don't care who you are. There is nothing that screams lazy more than that. On top of that, I've seen women and men both wearing clothes that are dirty. Or there is the occassional person that shows up on the bus smelling like sewage and vomit. Hell, I knew a pregnant girl once who just didn't give a darn and wore clothes that were too small for her, and she looked like she couldn't afford maternity wear.In fact, to be blunt, she looked like red neck with a horendous beer gut.  She did it in public...on a date...and I was with her. And the only reason I didn't just yell at her  was because I was courteous enough to not try to embarrass her even more than she was embarrassing herself.

Now I can understand the quick trip to Circle K or Walmart, but any other public time I don't understand.

Seriously, it's disgusting and shows that you don't respect yourself or how people view you.

Of course, with feminism, we've had the whole " Well, a woman shouldn't be so invested in looking pretty" However, even with that, a woman, or any person for that matter, should not be invested in looking unclean and sloppy either. Jobs still expect people to be clean and well kept, regardless of sex. So if a woman wants to get a job, she still has to go beyond the sweat pants and look presentable.

Also, I have nothing against keeping oneself up for a romantic partner. Being in a long term relationship doesn't mean being lazy either. Yes, I am secure in the fact that I know my man will love me whether I shaved or not. I know he will love me whether I'm in a T-shirt or in a cocktail dress. However, I know how much it does put a smile on his face when I do go that extra mile to look nice for him.

Looking nice not only impresses others, but damn does it make me feel good. To be able to look at myself in the mirror and be able to say " Damn, I look good" is at least oce positive thing I am saying about myself. When a person lets themselves go , it is just calling for the " I'm worthless, fat, and ugly" mantra.

I recently made a promise to myself that I would take better care of myself, not just for my man, but for me, too. And besides, the bedroom is a much happier place when you don't feel disgusting.

And yes, if you are with someone, don't embarrass them by looking sloppy like my pregnant friend did for me. It's embarrassing for anyone.


Dress Up For Dates.

Read what I said above. I pretty much covered it. But you know, when you are a in a long term relationship, this is still fun to do and greatly encouraged. I myself love to dress up, and having opportunities to put on my coolest outfits is fun.And when I'm with someone I love who appreciates it, it's even better. In my own relationship, my man doesn't really care about dressing up, but I do. And you know, in any other relationship, I'm sure it's nice when a person makes the effort to make a date special. It keeps that old flame going, and brings the joy back from when things were shiny and new. I like this.

And as I said above, it is less embarrassing when you do bother to look nice.

Does it always have to be the little lack dress and pounds of make up. No. But every once in a while...dates are fun like this.

Anticipate His Needs.

This just goes for relationships in general. Again, I mentioned above that Homosexuality is more socially acceptable nowadays, therefore I tried to make this as gender neutral as possible.

When you are with someone, and you love them, it's important to understand who they are and what they need. To think of them, and to be in tune with them.

My man is in tune with me. He can always tell when something is wrong, and usually I can do the same for him. We take care of each other, and that's important in any relationship. If you are just two people who happen to be together, then there is no real relationship. It's just....well, two people who are near eachother.

In this day in age, there are Feminazi's that try to say that catering to our man's needs is a sign of subservience and that a woman is just being controlled by her man. Then there are men who get angry when their male friend caters to the needs of his woman, and say derogotory things like that he's whipped. I think it's sad that catering to the needs of our partner is viewed upon as something negative. But part of the point of being together is being able to help each other out. Just saying " I love you" is not good enough. Love is not just a feeling or a word. It is action. It is shown in the things we do for those we love. It is shown when we know what the other person needs. Yes, communication is extremely important. I do not agree with this article about being able to read my partners mind. However,  understanding and knowing the things that can help, and remembering what makes things better for him( or her) ....is the closest thing to reading his mind I am going to get, and it means a lot to him. When I make him breakfast or dinner, when I clean his clothes, when I greet him with hugs, kisses, and cuddles. When I find something on facebook that I know is going to make him smile or laugh, and I show it to him. Those things matter.

When I love someone dearly, whether it's my man, my sister, my brother, my nephew, my neice, my parents, and even my deity ( For those who don't know, I worship a pagan deity, and give them offerings and love them dearly.), it brings me great joy to know that I am giving to someone I love. To see them smile, to see them feel better after having a rough time...knowing I did that makes me feel good. I don't care if people try to shove feminism down my throat, because feminism to me does not mean forsaking my family and my partner.

Which brings me to the conclusion of this, that Feminism is not an excuse to forsake our relationships with those around us. It's not an excuse to forsake our community or to let ourselves go. Feminism is actually about a woman being able to be a scientist without being told that being a girl says she can't. It's about a little boy deciding that he likes My Little Pony and the colour purple without getting bullied in school. It's about my younger sister being able to grow up to choose whether she wants to have a family, have a career, or both. It's about a man being told that he is in control of his actions. It's about my brother being able to be peaceful and loving without being called derogotory names by other men. It's about a woman walking down the street without being called a slut, and being able to make choices about her owns sexuality without judgment. It's also about a man being able to do the same.  That's feminism. It isn't about being cruel to our men, it isn't forsaking the people in our lives. It isn't anti-marriage, anti-child, anti-family or anti-men. Honestly, I think the name should be changed to something else, because to me, the word feminism gives the wrong idea of what this movement is about. It should be a word that is universal that still encourages a person to care about themselves and others. That encourages hard work, self love, and the love and acceptance of others. I hope that in the future we can come up with that word, then real change can begin.

Jan. 2nd, 2015

Aki, feathers

What I think of the Fat Acceptance thing.

I read and article yesterday that pretty much covered how I felt about the Fat acceptance thing.
http://thoughtcatalog.com/carolyn-hall/2014/04/6-things-i-dont-understand-about-the-fat-acceptance-movement/

First of all, I want to point out these things before I go into this speel about health and weight.

1. I recognize that being fat isn't a window into health. At least, if you are not morbidly obese. I know people who are bigger than me, but healthier. I know people who are bigger than me who eat healthier, and who excersize on a regular basis, and they still can't lose weight.

2. I understand that there are more reasons to be fat other than diet and activity. Many factors could be contributed to weight gain, like medications or a preexisting condition.

3. With that said, there is going to be mention in this blog about how our diet and life style makes to where we are STUCK taking these medications. Please understand that I recognize that some people are born with those conditions and they didn't have a choice. Like Epilepsy and what not.

4. I also want to point out that I am not fat shaming anyone. Being fat is a serious issue and the last thing that needs to be done is to shame someone for being fat. I do not tolerate bullying, and do not tolerate discrimination against someone for their size. I  also don't think that being fat automatically means ugly either. Everyone is different. Some wear it well, some don't.

Now that that's out of the way, here we go.

If you are not offended, then keep reading!Collapse )

Oct. 16th, 2014

Aki, feathers

No more pretention.

 No more pretty little flowers in my head, no more extravagant Titles, Toss aside the elaborate head pieces, for I am not a Queen. I am just like everyone else, not above, not below.

No more frillies, no more bustles, corsets, or underwires, for the ultimately stab my bosom.

Time for humbling simplicity. My simple dresses, No more poofy, princess frills.

I am not a princess or a queen, it's time I stopped pretending to be one. For I am not better than you.

Sep. 4th, 2014

Aki, feathers

I don't want to be a bad person anymore.

I've realized, and feel free to ignore this post, as most probably will anyway....I have a lot of changes to make with myself. I need to listen more, and do so before I open my mouth. I have tried telling myself for a long time this is a change I need to make within myself, and I fail every single time. Either I get caught up in thinking that it's ok once I get with people, when in reality, it's not, because when I sit by myself and think about it, I realize it's not ok. It's not ok to run my mouth when I don't know enough about something. It's also not ok to go talking to people about everything. Recent events have shown me how annoying my words can be, or how hurtful they can be.

I ...I don't want to be that kind of person anymore. I am tired of looking in the mirror and seeing this person that runs her mouth like a blubbering idiot, and hurts people with her words. It's not ok to vent as everyone says. It really isn't. IT causes hurt and drama. It's one thing if I sit by myself and do it, but not with others.

I have come to realize why I have become so ugly. I have horrible smile lines,even though I am only 27. I am overweight,with blotchy horrible skin.I smell bad, and look terribl in everything I wear.Why am I like this,b ecaue I am ugly on the inside.I talk bad about people who probably don't deserve to be talked about, just becuase I get jealous of them, or get annoyed with a quirk that they have.

I want to be more like my Lady, who I dare not speak the name of becuase I will never be worthy of, but I keep fallilng flat on my face by running my mouth.

I really don't want to be this horrible person anymore.I need to listen more. I need to stop running my mouth and just listen for once.

Jun. 30th, 2014

Aki, feathers

Purity is crap

I have come to realize that.

I am have  realized that through interactions with Loki.

I got into a real funk last night because i felt that in order to prove I truly love him, I have to sacrifice my wants and needs completely, and that I am not to expect anything in return, nor am I to get any kind of fulfillment or satisfaction out of it. I beat myself up and called myself a spoiled princess for desiring those feelings to be returned. I cried and called myself horrible names. Why? Because I felt that because my love for him wasn't considered " pure", that it wasn't real love. And that pure love meant I got nothing out of it.

Then today, I was urged to go into my room because I was over taken with emotions, and I was with him. After a while....I realized. Purity is impossible. It's not meant to be possible either. Pure love is impossible, and it's a stupid goal to have. Because I will always get something out of loving someone. Whether it's their love in return, or the pleasure of seeing them happy, or the warm feeling I get inside whenever I think about them, or give to them. It will never be "purely" selfless. And then I realized, Loki is not looking for purity, anyway!  He doesn't care about purity...because he shows us that perfection and purity...is crap. Because if I were to start getting rid of every single thing that is selfish about my love...it would cease to exist. Because the love...it starts with me. It starts with what comes from me...and if I were to take myself out of it...it would not be there.

Whomever made the Yin Yang knew this, as you see the little dot on each side. It shows that there isn't such thing as purity, that the universe doesn't work in the perfect way we want it too. There is always going to be something that makes it not purely something. Even evil has it's good. Chaos even has a rule to follow.

The problem with humans is we try so hard to strive for purity, something that is impossible. We look at the divine and even expect perfection from it, and when it isn't perfect, we doubt it exists, or get angry at it.

The great thing about the Norse gods...they aren't perfect. Odin's missing an eye, Tyr's missing his hand, and Loki is missing certain social filters.

Yet, even in heathenism, we try to elevate the gods to perfection. A fine example is Sigyn. We look at her and we say she's perfect in her calm, perfect in her patience, perfect in her mercy. But then you think about who the woman is married too. Loki isn't perfect, he shows us what isn't pure, and also shows us what is already perfect. It's safe to say he's not going to marry someone who is completely pure, because he would challenge it. He challenges all that is labeled pure. Sigyn isn't pure, and why should she be? I think that a good wife, even a wife of Loki, is allowed to get angry once in a while, is allowed to lose patience, and is allowed to get fed up. Maybe she is stead fast and loyal to Loki, but that doesn't mean she is that way with everyone.

I am going to use me as an example of how she could have given up patience or Loyalty, simply because it does apply to all deities in general. I had a friend who was in constant need of help, but every time he asked for help, he would continue to do the same things that were making his life miserable. He would not listen, nor would he stand up and work towards being better. Then, he would get mad at me for not helping him more. After he really hurt me and a friend of mine, I finally dropped him on his butt. ( Look up the poem " Butt prints in the sand" It's a Mother Goddess version of Foot prints in the sand.) I had given this friend millions of chances to change and to improve. But when he wasn't willing to help himself, I dropped him. I let him go...because I didn't want to waste my time anymore. I have a family, I have my faith...and I can't waste my time on assholes like that. ( Not to mention he posed a threat to those I care about.)

Sigyn, or any other goddess is going to be that way too. She has a family, she has her husband to think about, she has her own stuff. She may be patient and merciful for a while, but she won't be if you don't help yourself. If you don't meet your end and stand up on your own, you are dropped. It's that simple. And you know what, she doesn't have to be perfect like that, she doesn't have to have pure patience or calm. Like anyone else, she has free will, she gets worked up over things...and don't you think that is more beautiful than purity? Don't you think that makes any deity so much better? When they do get angry, or passionate, or lose control?

Purity is crap. It doesn't exist, and why we strive so much for it, I do not know. We strive to have pure skin, pure blood, pure hair, pure bodies, pure love, pure everything...and really, it seems like a stupid thing to want. Purity is not all that it's cracked to be. Why be pure?

Loki showed me that me striving for pure love is absurd, that I am always going to get something out of having feelings for him, whether I'm in his arms, or admiring him from afar.

Now if you want to talk about real love, then that exists, because all love is real. Love is not supposed to be purely selfless. Selfless acts happen in love, but pure selflessness doesn't exist. Love is an exchange. It's a give and take. You don't just give something and expect not to get something out of it, because it's impossible. Even when I leave a gift for Loki and ask for nothing from him, I still get something in return when I see him smile. When I see that he is grateful, when I see that he took it and accepted it. When I envisioned myself hugging him to comfort him, I realized I still received, whether I intended to or not, because I was receiving that same physical contact from him. It's senseless for me to think I have to be completely selfless to love him. He seems to think it's senseless too, and rightfully so.

When we expect purity, we fail to see the beauty that is already there. We fail to see that the darkness is just as lovely as the light, that our faults are part of who we are, and who we need to be. We fail to see that impurity is perfection. Perfection...is a concept. It's fluid. A concept created by us. What is perfection? Is it an impossible ideal like purity, or is it in the eye of the beholder. Perhaps everything is perfect just the way it is. It doesn't need to be pure, it doesn't need to be flawless. Flaws make the universe interesting. It's what gives us a story to tell. It's what makes love all the more powerful, because the love can endure the darkness as well as the light.

I love Loki, and  it's selfish. Just a bit. And perhaps he wanted me to see that it wasn't pure, and maybe it's for the best that it isn't. That I'm cheating myself out of what makes love beautiful and wonderful. That I am cheating myself of what makes my heart sing. Purity makes things over complicated. Isn't it so much simpler to let it be what it is? So what I want to enjoy being in his arms. Does it make me selfish? Maybe. But he's selfish, too. He's just as selfish as I am, if not more so. He wanted me to see that. The great thing about my god is that I don't have to be pure to be his. I don't have to be flawless. I don't have to selfless or any of those things that fluffy bunnies think you need to be in order to be a spiritual person. I don't have to be the embodiment of kindness, patience, or goodness, or light. I get angry, and that's ok.Sometimes I'm unkind, sometimes I throw temper tantrums.  Nothing would change if I never got angry. People would walk all over me and take advantage of me if I never got angry. I would die if I did not get angry or fearful.

People have an obsession with purity and light. But the dark side...is just as sweet as the light side, and sometimes the darkness make things sweeter. Perhaps it's because the dark side has cookies...

I also thought about another thing, too. For the last two years or so, I've fretted about whether or not I'm  Loki's spouse. Not so much because I wanted to marry him so he could call me pretty every day. I am not like the twits on tumblr that want to marry Tom Hiddleson or anything. But because....I wanted my relationship be like that. I wanted to be what a wife is to a man, to be his wife, and do all the things that a wife would do for him. But then I realized that maybe it's just a pretty little name, a title, nothing more. It's a label that humans have put out there to make things sound important. Titles don't mean anything. I can sit here and claim to be anyone's wife, but what matters is that I act it. My actions speak for themselves without the label. I don't need the label to commit myself to Loki. I don't need the label to leave him gifts, or comfort him, or to do all the things I love to do for him. Most of all, I don't need the label to love him. Spouse, wife, Frilla, Nun...just pretty little labels. Are they bad to have? No, they aren't. If it's what brings comfort, then by all means, use the label. But I  also gotta remember that a certain individual who abused me used those pretty little labels too, and in the end they were only facades that she used to build her reputation. What matters is the contents of my heart, and my actions. Do I act like a wife, and does he act like my husband, and do we love each other? Maybe that's what I need to focus on instead of the label and the ring. That I don't need to the label to live up to it, and if someone is going to use the label, they also need to live up to it.

Jun. 9th, 2014

sigyn

To the people that tell me to smile.

Please stop. It is one of the last things that will get me to smile. In fact, my first reaction when I am told to smile is to give you the nastiest look I could possibly give.

I know that most who tell me to smile want to know what could possibly be so bad about my life that I am not smiling. However, you are making a huge mistake in assuming I am unhappy because I am not smiling. Just because I am not sporting that " Look at me, I am Barbie" smile all the time, doesn't mean I am unhappy. There could be a number  of reasons I am not smiling. If I am walking down the street on a day when it's over 100 degrees outside, sunlight in my face...I am more likely to be squinting than smiling... why? Because it's hot and uncomfortable. Perhaps I am not smiling because I am trying to get to where I am going, and I am focused. Or it could simply be that I am resting my face. Anyone who works in customer service knows how much it hurts to smile all day long. And if my resting bitch face offends you, tough shit. I am not going to smile just because you think I should, or because you are offended that I am not smiling. That's your problem, not mine.

Seriously, if my lack of a smile bothers you that much, here is a solution. Why don't you give me a reason to smile instead of telling me to smile. Tell me a joke, that always works. I can't resist a good joke and that will get me smiling. Don't just tell me to smile, because I don't like to smile for no reason. I don't like to do things just because someone says I should do it. I will smile because I feel like smiling, I will smile because I find something that gives me a reason to smile, or I will smile because something was said that either gave me a reason to smile or laugh.

Now this brings me to why it is so important to you, a complete stranger, that I choose to smile? Why is that any of your business? You are more than likely never going to see me again, so why does it matter? This is right up there with the " Why are you wearing that?" or " Where you going?" , two things I also seem to get from strangers at bus stops. These strangers I am never going to see again, and I don't feel it is worth wasting my energy trying to explain myself. I don't need to explain myself to people I do not know, and I most certainly don't have to smile for those people either, especially if I am not in a customer service position, or a political position. If I am just being an average Jane, I don't owe any stranger a smile or an explanation.

This also brings up that fact that to you, dear stranger, I am also a complete stranger and what I do doesn't really matter to you. What I am doing is not going to affect what you are doing, so why do you care? It's sad that I have a hard time getting the people I see on a regular basis to care what I am doing, but a person I am never going to see again cares what I am doing and has no real reason know what I am doing accept to be nosy. I have come to find that in our society, after reading blogs and watching videos, that it's usually women that are told to smile. So this makes wonder? Out of all the people you told to smile today, how many of them were women, and how many of them were men? What I've noticed that when I'm told to smile, it's usually never another woman telling me to smile, unless she happens to be taking a picture of me. I don't think I have ever had a woman tell me to smile outside of photography or a profession. It's usually always a man. Why is that?

I don't think my being woman should dictate what my facial expression should be. Is it that you think my smile makes me more attractive? Or that it makes me more likeable, and for some sick and twisted reason, women are supposed to be that way? Really, it is absurd that it's an expectation. For one, I have seen myself smile, and I can tell you smiling does not make me more attractive. I have snaggle tooth, and I look quite ridiculous, so smiling is awkward for me. Am I happy? Yes, I am. But sometimes I opt out of smiling because I hate my snaggle tooth. So no, I do not look better with a smile. As far as making me look like a kinder person, what does that matter? I mean, really, it doesn't matter how I look. My appearance does not determine whether I am nice or not. I have met my fair share of people who are attractive on the outside, but in reality are complete assholes. I have seen people who don't fit society's standards of beauty be the sweetest people I have ever met. And I say society's standards because I have a different idea of beauty, and I can't call any of my friends ugly because that would be a lie.

The point is, I am not going to smile for any of the reasons you give me. I am not going to smile just because I am a woman. I don't want to smile because society says it's " healthier". I am not going to smile because you tell me to. I am going to smile because I found something I could smile about. I see a good friend, I hear a great joke, I am at a con seeing things that I like, I am with someone I love, I see the face of my ancestors and gods....I'm laughing and carrying on with my friends....Looking at my list of reasons to smile, I see it doesn't include your reasons. So to the people who tell me or my friends to smile with no other incentive other than " I told you too," please ever so kindly, Go fornicate with yourself.

sigyn

Self-rule or Discipline

As some of you know, I struggled with this a lot with several people pertaining to my faith. There are so many things I am willing to stick to my guns on, but when it came to my faith I struggled with will-power because I felt I needed to learn and understand, which isn't necessarily bad, but it left me open to something dangerous. Now I am having to build up that will. Not so much just putting up shields, because I can put up shields easily. That was never truly the problem when it came to being protected. It was always the words people had to say about things, and having to wonder if I should let it sink in or ignore it. That's what I struggle with when it comes to this virtue. Is knowing what I need to take in, and knowing what I need to stand against, and have the self-discipline to not let it get to me. Though it doesn't help that I have racing thoughts, and i struggle with anxiety.

I am also a firm believer in taking responsibility for one's actions, and it's something my mother taught me, and to this day, I am grateful for it. I used to scoff at it when I was younger, but when I actually started to own up to what I was doing, it put me in control of things. I stopped blaming others. When I took responsibility, I took the wheel in my life. Even in holding myself responsible for the things i did wrong,  it gave me the sense that i had the power to stop being wrong.

However, again, this is one of struggle with the most, out of all the virtues I have read. As I've said, things come out of my mouth that get me in trouble, and often times I feel like I've lost control of myself. Often times the reason I beat myself is for this very virtue, the fear that I am not watching my words or actions enough, and I'm hurting or interfering with others. I have lost friends because I didn't control my words around them, I didn't keep my emotions in check,  and I didn't use situational awareness, and I take full responsibility for those times. Even the friends that probably weren't worth keeping, I ask myself how things might have been a little smoother had I kept myself in check, had I chosen my words wisely, had I kept certain emotions private like Mike and Mark do.

I think the reality is that we all take in what is around us and listen to what people say, and take it to heart, However, it's how we handle it. Most times , I have not handled it all that well. I would post all over facebook and everyone would see it, and suddenly one day, everyone stops reading because they are tired of my lack of self control. Because I didn't handle the emotion properly. I have had groups stop inviting me to things because I would bring up something emotional at the worst possible time. I still to this day struggle with that. Like when I have an out burst at blot, like i Have every single blot. And now it's up to me to get myself to stop having out bursts at parties, or at Blot as to be considerate of those around me, and not let history repeat itself.

Sorry this was long, but this is probably the virtue I have thought about the most due to the fear and anxiety of losing those I care about because of my lack of discipline. And this is something i am working to improve. Will it change overnight? Sorry to say, it won't, and if only it were that easy. Bad habits die hard, and its' bad habit I've had for all were that easy. Bad habits die hard, and its' bad habit I've had for all 26 years of my life.

Sep. 12th, 2013

sigyn

Digimon

I was delighted to find that Digimon is on netflix...the original series..first and second seasons.

It brings me back to being that 13 year old girl that was in love with Yamato. Gods, those days were fun.

I think somewhere deep down, there is still that thirteen year old that loves that character, and that show is still just as awesome as it was back then. And now I understand it so much better now that I'm older, and have an appreciation for characters that I didn't have back when I was 13.

Like now, I just think Joe Hida is just freaking adorable! And Koushiro is just awesome and bad ass. ( Izzy)

Sora still has a very special place in my heart, as does her hubby, Yamato.

Hikari...omg, she's a medium...and a psychic. Holy smokes.

And Takeru is a bad ass. Little kid...a freaking badass. That kid was able to stand on his own even more so than his brother thought. Very seldom did that little guy put up with crap. He is a BAD ASS.

I forgot how adorable Mimi is! Especially in season two. She's just so sweet. She's very into her looks, but she's nice and she's always honest. She kind of reminds me of a Rarity and AppleJack Love child.

Oh great...now it's time for me draw the digidestined as My Little Ponies. Why did I just do this to myself?

Anyhoo, Digimon is probably one of my all time favourite anime next to Sailor Moon. I loved it even more so than Pokemon. The jokes, the story, the lessons learned. Just awesome.

Sep. 3rd, 2013

sigyn

Saboten

I volunteered in order to get my way into Saboten this year, and needless to say it was quit awesome. Not only did it get me in for free, but it was quite rewarding. I enjoyed helping out and feeling useful. The people were really fun to work with, and they weren't over rigid like most corporate jobs.

Now it's time to talk about my weekend.

I was in a Hotel room with 7 other people, and it was really fun because they were all awesome, and we got along really well. Granted, they were mostly people I knew, so that made things pretty easy. I hung out with Taffy a lot.

On Saturday, before my shift, I played Lazer tag and went all our first person shooter on it. I had a blast, and both times I played, my team won! The person running the thing made a comment that I was an intense competitor. ( Well, intense kind of does come with being Rokkatru, meaning I worship Jotuns.) Nah, I had just watched Aj and his brothers play first person shooters too much. I'd play them, but I am TERRIBLE at them. Not to mention they make me dizzy. It was fun, and I got a fair amount of exercise.

During my shit, and mad_madame_me, you are going to appreciate this, I saw a Jareth and Sarah...BALLROOM SCENE...cosplay. At that time, I was so upset about my camera kicking the bucket a few months ago, because OMG! LABYRINTH. Yes, Sarah had the poofy dress and Jareth was all decked out in his sparkly glory. So...I ran up to them and hugged them, during my shift. And yes, it was understandable, because it is not every day you run into that. Oh, Camera...why did you have to break?

After my shift, I went to the Saboten Pool Party. There was loud techno music, and so I danced in the pool while playing with beach balls. I maybe only stayed there about a half an hour because my legs felt weird from dancing in the water. Not to mention I still get problems with my ears. It was still fun,though.

Taffy , Kassie, and I went to the Kingdom Hearts after dark panel, which was hilarious. We played the dating game, and I was Derpy Hooves...and I got to be in character for it. It was one of those kind of dating shows. I was in character for that whole thing, and my secret date ended up being with Saix, the Lunar Diviner. Which was awesome, because Saix is a puppy. ( not literally, but the fandom jokes about him being Xemnas' dog.) Taffy got to play , too, and she was dressed as Sora. She ended up picking Roxas. Oh yeah, and Marluxia apparently got jilted at the alter.

Then after that, Taffy and I went to the Anime Rave and danced for about three hours. It was really fun. The great thing about the Saboten Raves is that they don't allow for drugs. It's just loud techno music, flashing lights, and dancing. Taffy and I joined in a circle with some people and had the dance off circle, which was a blast. My legs were so tired and we were drenched in sweat, but it was a blast.

The next day, before my shift, I went to the MLP trivia panel with Taffy and got lots of Lollipops. I was of course dressed as Derpy and I had Taffy wear my Princess Luna Costume.

Then I went to the Madoka Magika panel which was named " The Church of Madoka". If you have seen the series, you will understand why it is called that. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it. It's pretty aweome, and totally not sad at all. You know, a girl gets her head cut off, but you know, if that happens, you can always become a Firey. Anyhooters, for those who do understand,  you will get this next part. Outside of the panel there were Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya protestors with signs. They walked into the room right as the panel started, and I shouted " Go away, Westburo!" I got a few good laughs out of that. I also found out that there are Madoka Magika movies that I need to see, now.

After that, I had my shift. What was great was that Gentleman by PSY came on, and a couple of other girls and I got up and starting doing the dance. Also, I saw Male Commander Shepherd and Female Commander Shepherd from Mass Effect, both very well done.

After my shift, I went to the masquerade...where I got Rick Rolled. There were some great skits and I think I'd rather just tell people to look up videos because I don't want to write a novel about all the ones I saw.

I went to Denny's for a bit with my friend's Tom and Chad and we talked the whole time about Cosplaying characters from RWBY.

When we got back, Taffy, Kassie and I went to the Black Butler Pyjama party, and I ( And how appropriate that the ending theme starts playing on my my playlist while I type this.) was speaking in a Brittish accent. We played a game of telephone, and I got to make a phrase. My phrase was " Still not a Ginger" to reference Doctor Who. It came back to me as " Star butthole Gingers" I laughed so hard. We also had a pillow fight!

This morning, I went to the Twilight Sparkle book club with Taffy, and omg...so much fun.

The panelists read fanfictions and some members of the audience got to act it out. And yes, I acted it out. All three of them...with others members of course. The second story, I was Gummy having an epic battle against Pinkie Pie.

Then, the third one, I was Princess Celestia...chasing the red dot which turned out to be princess Luna with a laser pointer. It was awesome. I was climbing all over things and doing flips. It was epic.

Then I had my shift, of course. After I was done, everyone went home and then I went to Northern Meet up and got to hang out with some more friends and went home.

So a few changes I will be making. Now that con is over, I am going to be spending less time on the computer in order to have more time for other things...you know, liking cleaning and crafting. I realized that computer time was eating away at precious productive time, so I had to make a change. I realized that suddenly it was bed time...and I had gotten nothing done. So Monday's and Fridays will be the days a person can catch me online. There may be a third day, but I haven't  established which one.

I also should go through and delete all the negative journals I have on this account and just have a clean slate. Hopefully soon I can get people reading my journals without taking the EMOOOOO CAAAANNOOOON to the face. Now that I am finding peace with Loki and got a gythia to help with  communicating with him, there will be much less of me being an emo about it. You might get hit with the occasional comment about channeling Sigyn, because I keep doing so, but other than that, I will keep that emoing to a minimum.

I miss having friends read my journal. Now about the only messages I get are the " It's so n so's BIRTHDAY!"

As much as this makes me sound like an asshole, I really don't care much for most strangers birthdays. It's overwhelming enough to have to think about the birthday's of those I know. And honestly, it kind of sucks when I log in, see that I got a message and get all excited......and then that's all I get. Oh, gee thanks...the internet asking me to give out more stuff...no comments...nothing. Make me all excited...about some stranger's birthday. It's quite pathetic, and honestly, it's my fault for talking about the same shit over and over again, regardless of how much I needed to vent. One can only say the same comforting words so many times before it becomes a hopeless case. And believe me, after dealing with some obnoxiously needy people...I have come to understand how annoying I must've been.

More changes, I will be doing a lot more cleaning around the house when I am home. I feel like I haven't been a productive member of the house hold, and even bitch face is looking more golden than myself.

What's awesome is that I will also be helping my friend Jerry with his shop, along with my Gythia.

I have gotten in the habit of recording my dreams as well and sitting in front of my meditation mirror every night, It's difficult, but I have been doing it and it's been helping me sleep.

Anyhooters, I am going to watch the new episode of RWBY and get off to bed. I have a busy day tomorrow.

Remember, Star Butthole Gingers

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